Those Pesky Difficult Conversations

Last week I had to have a difficult conversation. But Kirsten - you TEACH people how to have difficult conversations. It should have been easy, right? I shouldn't have felt that anxious pit in my stomach, or the restlessness in my pacing the evening prior to having the actual conversation, right? Wrong. You see, I was really worried about how the other person might take this conversation. I was worried about losing a wonderful working relationship that I have had for nearly 14 years. I was worried she'd be mad.

All of this to say, thank goodness I DO teach this stuff for a living. I knew what to do - it was just doing what I knew, and not letting my emotions get the best of me.

I want to share a couple of the ways I prepared to have this difficult conversation. First, I took some deep breaths. 

Secondly, I wrote out what I actually wanted to say. I tell people to do this and some people might first think it is a bunch of hooey - but then they write it out, practice having the conversation with another participant, and realize they were better able to convey their intent and desire more confidently and concisely.

For starters, write out your feelings. Ewww, feelings! Trust me on this. It usually helps to set the stage for a beautiful conversation. Your feelings could be, " I have been feeling really bad about the interaction we had last week, and I want to say I am sorry." If this is the type of conversation you need to have do NOT move to, "...but..." Instead, start a new statement. "This relationship is valuable to me and I want to repair it so we can move forward and I would like your partnership. Will you help me?"

In another instance, it may sound like, "I am feeling really nervous to have this conversation, because it is a bittersweet one." Then launch into the details. Although it may not seem like it in our world today, people don't usually want to see you struggle during a difficult conversation. They don't want you to be uncomfortable. This is not to say we shouldn't be "radically candid" as author Kim Scott laid out in her book Radical Candor, (which I highly recommend.) Part of being radically candid is that we "care personally" and then "challenge directly."

Here comes the challenge directly part, and yes, this is also scripted out. For example, "I care about our relationship and our desire to see this company grow its client base. When you leave me out of the conversation, I feel undermined." The ambiguity that is often present in difficult conversations isn't there, when you say exactly how you feel.

Pushback I receive for scripting out what to say is that it will seem disingenuous and the other person will know I am reading off a cue card. I say to that welcome feedback, we aren't there yet. We script out what we are going to say in order to stay on track. Then we practice it. Yep. Read it out loud. Actually feel how it sounds. The more you say it, the more you believe it and understand how you want to say it. You might make tweaks to the original script. 

When you are in the conversation, it will feel easier - almost as if you have had this conversation before. You won't need to read it word-for-word because you know it. You can always have your script handy, in case you need it. I usually do. 

At the end of the conversation, settle on an agreement or, in some cases, any actions that need to be taken by you and them. Do not leave the conversation without a time to follow up on those action items. This is where things fall apart later, when you haven't held up your end, or they haven't held up their end, of the actions.

How did my conversation go? It went really well, thanks. I started with my feelings, was direct in what needed to change, we came to an agreement, and our relationship will be stronger because of it. I know it.

 - Kirsten